So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
