everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
