you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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