Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
