Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
