i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I still have a little drunk in my system
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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