The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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