Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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