some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
