Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
