do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
