dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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