So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
