battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My feet surprised me
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