My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
