I'm so fucking centered right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
