you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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