Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
