btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
