fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he fucked my hip out of place.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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