I am puke
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
