New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Success! We fucked roommates!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
