I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
