i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
