I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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