I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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