Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
