God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize