Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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