So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
