I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
