I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
