Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
