he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
