I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
