I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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