y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize