JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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