You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
