I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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