i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
