do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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