I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize