i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you're hired as official boob wrangler
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
