last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
