I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
