I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
