flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
