i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
