if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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