I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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