Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
