If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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