I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
