If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
