Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
