I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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