sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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