All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize